When I Found Out and When I First Saw
by knowhere
Summary: Literati. It wasn’t when he first heard. It was when he first saw. And it was then that he knew. AU.


**When I Found Out. When I First Saw **

Author: Knowhere

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Nothing.

**AN:**Thanks to 'EvilSmirk6' for the inspiration. I know this is definitely not what you envisioned, nor is it very close to the quote you gave, but I'm fairly happy with the result.

Enjoy and review!

Summary: Literati. It wasn't when he first heard. It was when he first saw. It was then that he knew. AU.

---

He was ashamed to admit that he had serious reservations about it. Yes, they were married. Yes, he loved Rory more than he thought he'd be able to, but there was just something holding him back. But when Rory jumped into his arms that warm summer night and wrapped her legs around him, he didn't say anything. When she hopped around the living room dancing with her arms waving around, he just smiled. When she showed him the proof, he gripped the bathroom counter.

Blue.

The color of the summer sky outside. The color of his toothbrush. The color of her eyes.

It was blue.

And he felt sick.

"Can you believe it, Jess? Pregnant! We're pregnant!" She skidded around the corner and burst into the bathroom, jumping up on the counter where his knuckles were turning from white to gray.

"Yeah, pregnant." He whispered and mustered up a smile. "Wow."

She leaned over and placed a warm hand on his bicep. "You're okay with it, right? I mean, I know we weren't actively trying but there were a couple of times we did it in the shower without a condom."

He nodded. So they were standing at the scene of the crime. "I know."

"You're okay, right?"

He looked over and saw that she might start to cry. "I'm fine, Ror." He kissed her softly on the lips. "We're having a baby. You and me."

She smiled widely and it sank his stomach at her happiness when he felt so discombobulated.

---

When she started getting morning sickness, he threw up at work. She said it was sympathy pains but he thought it was an ulcer. He watched her belly grow with their baby inside and he feared the worst. What happens if he screwed this up too?

She slept with her cold feet tucked into his warmer ones, but he felt cold on the inside. When she started to crave mashed potatoes and string cheese, he craved to go back in time. Back to a time where he knew it was just the two of them and that was it. A time where he was secure in their marriage and his love for her. He knew that she returned it, but who could guarantee that his child would love him back? How could he promise that he would never give up, be late, or disappoint his own flesh and blood?

When she decorated the nursery, he painted the room a pale blue. He shook his head at the absurdity. The color blue was his favorite because it was the color of her eyes. But now when he painted the baby's room blue, he only saw that same pale color on the pregnancy test.

Both their sets parents were excited. From Lorelai, they received enough stuffed animals to start their own zoo. Luke handmade them a beautiful mahogany crib with a matching changing table. From Liz, the baby received blankets, bottles, and clothing. Jimmy sent cute onesies that were screen printed with sarcastic label such as 'I'm a tax deduction.' From Rory's grandparents, they got a large rocker that would comfortably sit Rory when she would need to rock and feed the baby.

As the room filled with more and more items preparing for the baby, Jess spent his sleepless nights sitting on the rocker given to them. He sat and read. All baby books. He learned the exact growth pattern and what changes in Rory should he expect. He was prepared for the midnight kicks and had the perfect remedy for curing her morning sickness that somehow always occurred around the evening time. He downloaded music to his iPod and played it to the baby through headphones. On the outside, he was just like every other expecting father. He learned what needed to be learned, but on the inside, he was scared. He was still scared. So he kept himself busy with preparations. He tried to control what he could. And for Jess, he read. He learned.

But none of the books told him how to ensure he wouldn't hurt his baby's heart. Those same tender feelings that he knew could be damaged easily. He knew, because his feelings were hurt when he was young. None of the books taught him how to make sure his baby would love him.

---

When Rory went into labor, he was there. He drove her to the hospital on a route he had mapped out for months. He was holding her hand tightly in his as he carried her bag and pillow in the other. They went through the Lamaze breathing techniques and she focused on a picture of a tropical beach. He brought her ice chips when she was thirsty and rubbed her back when she was sore.

As the labor went for hours on end, he was there. He never left her side. And when she was ready to push, he pushed with her. He held her hand and gave her his support. When she got tired and wanted to give up, he sat on the bed behind her and cradled his wife's body between his bent knees. And when the time came, he braced her body for the last final push and together they heard the cry of their baby. He was stunned as he listened to his baby girl's set of lungs.

In the nursery, she cried louder than anyone else. He was oddly proud of her for that. When she was brought into the room with them, Rory cooed at her tiny fingers and toes and learned how to breastfeed. But when Rory fell asleep and it was just the two of them, he hovered over her and touched her tiny perfect nose. She gurgled and reached out for his finger. His heart constricted and he cried.

---

When they took her home, he was the one that carried her in. That night, Rory fell asleep between the sounds hunger cries. He sat with his daughter on the rocker. She opened her eyes and in the pale moonlight, he became mesmerized by her. Her eyes were blue. So blue that he fell instantly in love.

Ashamed that he had doubted his happiness in Rory's pregnancy, he murmured to his baby girl. "I wasn't jumping for joy when your mom told me we were expecting you. That night, I threw up." She wiggled and yawned but stayed silent in his arms.

He rocked them both gently in the chair. "When we were getting ready for you, I was scared. I didn't know how to love you. And when I saw you for the first time I couldn't move. But that night, I went into the nursery to see you. You were wailing like you were possessed." He chuckled. "But when I came over to you and held you in my arms, you quieted down. And when I saw you look up at me, I knew I was an idiot for doubting my ability to love you. You're mine, you know that?" He nuzzled the soft baby skin at her neck. "And even though I didn't love you when I first learned of you, I loved you when I first saw you."

---

She was his little girl. She might run to Mommy when she was sick or when she was excited about her new book, but when she woke up with a nightmare or wanted a goodnight story, she went to him.

"Daddy!" She ran down the steps of her daycare and launched herself into his arms.

He laughed and absorbed her impact while being whacked in the knee with her backpack and lunchbox. "What do you have in here? Rocks?" He kneeled down and tucked her long brown hair behind her ears. She left the house that morning with a ponytail, but now she had a tangled mess. He smiled.

"No." She bent down and rummaged through her bag, regardless of the grass stains rubbing into her polka-dotted dress. "Ernie!" She pulled out two of his Hemingways.

"Baby, what are you doing with my books?" He had been missing those two for the last month.

"Have them for naptime!" She perched up his bent knee and swung her legs back and forth.

He tucked in her sock into her tiny black Chucks and spied the food stains on her dress. His daughter was a girly girl. She insisted that she wear dresses everyday and wanted a pink backpack. But she wore the black Chucks that he had bought for her with pride. "Why did you bring them to daycare?"

"Mommy said I could bring something for naptime. I bring Ernie." She smiled an innocent smile and hopped off his knee.

His heart clenched hearing that she wanted to sleep with his books. She loved what he loved. And she cared about what he thought. How could he have ever doubted his ability to love her? How did he ever doubt her ability to love him back?

"That's okay, Daddy?"

He stood up and hauled her into his arms. Hugging her tight to him, he shouldered her backpack and picked up her lunchbox. The same lunch box that was bright pink but displayed a Clash sticker at the same time. "Of course it's okay."

She looked up expectantly. "Pie tonight?" Ever since the last time they went to visit Luke and Lorelai, she got hooked on apple pie. The only way to get her to eat the entirety of her meal would be to promise her pie.

"We'll ask Mommy."

She smiled and reached her little hands out. "I wanna wake up the car."

He handed her his keys and watched her happily push and re-push the unlock button on the remote. "Once is enough, baby."

"One more?" She kept her finger hovered over the button.

He chuckled. "Okay, go for it."

The car chirped again.

---

That night, when he tucked her in, she clutched a baby walrus in one arm and a paperback copy of _True at First Light_ in the other. He kissed her gently on the forehead and made sure to remember to turn on her nightlight.

He loved his little girl. There were no ifs ands or buts about it.

When he crawled into bed next to Rory, he pulled her into his body and kissed her fully on the mouth. "I'm so excited about our baby."

She smiled and reached for his body. "I love you."

---

**AN:** Read and review please.


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